As much as I might wish
by crying-is-never-my-talent
Summary: What if Edward wasn't sure about Bella's love to him anymore after she and Jacob kissed?What if he decided to leave just to save Bella from having to suffer to choose between him and Jacob?How will Bella cope?Can she really move on to her second love?
1. Preface

**Hi ,guys…..It took all the courage I ever had just to post this story online….This is my first fanfic and you may laugh at me for my bad grammar and English is not my mother tongue and I had never read more than a 5-paged-story till last year. Twilight is the first novel I ever read and the whole saga shaked my life to its core.I started to become more of a reader after finish reading Twilight.I'm not afraid of bad reviews and you are free to criticize me for my bad command of language…well, criticism are made for improvement's sake,right? I will promise to improve as improvement in my writing skills is one of the main reason I wrote this story… Pls forgive me for all the grammar's mistakes I did….**

**Ok,lets get on our business…I was kind of pissed when Bella kissed Jacob and suddenly realized she is in love with him as well…..although it did not affect Bella and Edward relationship,because Bella knew that she can't live without Edward but Stephenie did not write the fully extend of the intense love between Edward and Bella,and how Bella will really crumble if Edward leaves her again in Eclipse….I'm also bothered when Jacob said he will be waiting in the wings and Bella told him that he could keep the spare option if he wants….For me,I wanted Bella and Edward 's love to be more profound and irreplaceable ….I don't want Bella to keep another spare option and turns to lean on another shoulder that easily if Edward fails her(although I never think he will) …so I think the end of the eclipse is kind of Jacob-centric even after Bella had chosen Edward over Jacob,simply because Bella didn't clearly show how much she loves Edward and the pain she would have suffer if Edward leaves her life again……well,this is a what-if fan fic ,set after Jacob and Bella's kiss .What if Edward wasn't that confident about Bella's love for him anymore after finding out that Jacob and Bella kissed?What if he thought Bella loved Jacob more than she loved him?What if he decided to erase himself from Bella's option list just to ease Bella pain so that she won't have to suffer or feel guilty for hurting either him or Jacob?What if he decided to leave as he is convinced that his departure for this time won't hurt her as much as last time,just because she had Jacob Black now and he truly believed that Jacob is better for her than him? How will Bella reacts?Can she really move on and accept the love from her second love?**

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**As much as I might wish**

Preface

I walked back silently to the tent ,not knowing what to think or what to expect .Curiosity burned into my brain ,as if they were going to burst out violently like an erupting volcano .Had Jacob and Bella had enough time to talk? Was this the best time to return to the tent? Had Jacob succeed in convincing her how much of a monster I am ,and how much better or healthier he is for her than I am? Had Bella decided to leave me after succumbing her feelings to Jacob and realize that she loves him more than she loves me? The stabbing pain that festered in my chest which accompany the thoughts of her leaving me was so powerful ,that it overshadowed every other sense , including my burning curiosity .I wonder how my world will collapse if my worries has crawl out from my chaotic state of mind and really hit me hard as a reality .But none of these matter to me ,I did not worry about what I'm going to live with after the reason of my life leaves me ,or how much pain it will cause me after her departure from my arms .What was my pain compared to her happiness after all? There was no doubt that I will let her go and trade anything-everything for her happily-ever-after , even if it costs me my life or my ever-present heart.

I caught my breath as soon as I heard another sound besides her familiar , thumping heartbeat when I was getting closer and closer to the tent ,the place where my heart was held. It was a series of heart-rending sobs ,my angel ,my Bella was hurting .She was crying .Suddenly, my silent heart was fluttering furiously and a very strong unknown human emotion washed through my whole body .I wiped my face ,as if to wipe away the invisible tears that had silently overflowed my eyes at the moment I heard her crying ,as if I could ever cry, as if the source of the relentless sound of sobs is me myself ,but of course ,I could never ever cry ,I am not human ,that's why I'm never enough for her ,that's why I'm always the ultimate reason behind her tears .I'm truly a monster that stole away her life.

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**Tq for reading it......pls read and review....do tell me what do you feel about the whole idea of the story....will update as soon as possible...tq**


	2. Chapter 1:What if

Disclaimer:I'm not Stephenie Meyer(although i often daydream about Edward and Bella,and really do hope to be her.)I do not own the characters.I'm just messing around in my favourite author's imaginary world.

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**Hi, everyone….thank you for putting my story into alert ….this actually do encourage me to update more often….thanks for your patient waiting…it was a very very hectic week for me … My one and a half month holiday will start within a week ,so I will have plenty of free time. I promise to update more often in future…..feel free to correct me if I get anything wrong …TQ……forgive me for the bad language...**

**Chapter 1:What if**

Jacob Black .As much as I hoped I could hate him for trying to steal away the reason of my life, and blamed him for whatever he had said to Bella when I was away that caused bella so much pain ,but I just couldn't .Maybe that's because my subconscious mind had always reminded myself that I was the cause of all these ,that Jacob Black was there for her when she needed someone ,that I was the one that broke her heart back then .If I never left ,she would not have to suffer from trapping in a dilemma of choices ,she would not have to feel pain or to cry, she wouldn't even have to choose .If I don't exist ,she wouldn't have to sacrifice everything ,including her family ,her friends and the most important ,her humanity to trade a soulless and endless dawn of eternity with me .She could be happy with Jacob, he will be the natural path her life is heading ,as he is a better choice for Bella than I am ,that he can grant her so much thing that I will never ever be capable of.

I wavered outside of the tent ,I was not sure about what I can do to stop her tears from overflowing her eyes and dripping down her beautiful face like a heavy downpour. I was still confused, I didn't know anything that had happened upon my absence ,even though I was sure that no matter what Jacob had said to her that caused her so much pain, it will always be my fault from the root.

Out of the blue ,Seth howl uneasily .The sound of his mind came attacking me in a flash. Jacob had just switched back to wolf form, ready for the big fight and remembering in detail about the passionate kiss he had just shared with my Bella .His mind was overwhelmed with joy and glory and he delivered the whole victorious moment of him -successfully made Bella aware of her feeling for him to all of his members in the wolf pack ,and in turn ,to me .The vivid mental picture that he made about the kiss he had just shared with my Bella –or soon to be his Bella affected the wolves in a sickening way .Seth shuddered uneasily-in his wolf form, and yelped softly twice.

I was speechless though ,just standing there straight up like a living stone. At that moment ,I simply don't know how to react .I just stood there doing nothing , waiting for my vision to blur out and my world to crumble .The thought of his lips covered on my beloved fried my brain and sliced my heart like a cucumber .I had thought of this possibility for too many times ,I had always thought I would be able to let her go just like that and bounced out gracefully from her life if she had decided that Jacob Black is the best choice for her .And I had also thought about ways to not let her feel guilty for choosing Jacob over me .I would smile and tell her everything is okay .I would tell her that she and Jacob deserve to be together. I would even attend their….their wedding if that will make Bella feel better about her situation. As brave as I thought I would be to yank Bella away from myself and grant my personal Cinderella a happily-ever-after with her prince, I hadn't been capable to imagine the pain it would cause me. I knew I wouldn't be able to stick around Forks to see my sleeping beauty gets her kiss from someone else ,someone warm ,more human and is capable to save her from herself and also someone that is hundred times healthier than the-prince-supposed-to-be. But I'm not sure about where I should go either, outside world held none interest for me without my love in there, my life seems to be more empty than ever with Bella's absent. In the worst of my haunted worries ,I had never imagine that the pain would be so much, it was as if a hot iron was shoved into my throat and made my heart exploded in agony.

My heart almost stop when I heard her started to sob again .She didn't deserved all this pain, she had did nothing wrong ,I'm the one who made a terrible mistake and ruined her life .It was so unfair that I wasn't the only one to pay for it, Bella's pain seems to be too high a price. Never did I want her to suffer with me or feel that she owed me too much to leave me .She owed me nothing but in the other hand ,I owed her everything ,I owed her her sanity when I left, I had wounded her badly once ,then selfishly return to steal away her humanity and her life from her again when I agreed to grant her her only wish-be a vampire and spent an eternity with me. Well ,maybe I don't have to do that now ,maybe she isn't sure about me, sure about us anymore, maybe she had finally realized that I didn't worth her to pay the price she had to pay in order to become a soulless monster like me.

My heart lurched from the cliff of pain and sink into the ocean of agony. The waves of hurt hit me so hard that I could hardly breathed as the image of her in his arm flickered through my mind. I remembered the reason of leaving her last fall, I left because I want to keep her away from me ,to remove the sword that had hung above her head since we met ,I want her to be human and happy .The Bella in my imagination beamed happily at me ,and as she leaned closer into Jacob a familiar heat rushed to her face and paint her cheek a pale pink .The colour was so beautiful that my stomach hurt .She was happy .That was all I need to see or to know. What if Jacob could really make her smile like this ?What if she could be herself and lived out a happy life with Jacob ?What if I was the stone that thwarted her in her road to her forever happiness? As I was indulged in my what-if reverie, my mind suggested me something my heart don't want to know ,I could make myself out of her life again, I could erase myself from her option list ,so that she won't have to torture herself to choose and save her a lot of unnecessary tears for being guilty because of chosen one over another. I was the one who left ,so she won't feel sorry for me when she be with Jacob .I was drowned in this ocean of agony as I had decided to approve the suggestion of my mind, because after all the time I had promised her to never leave her ,I had to do the same huge mistake again .Well ,this time was different though .She had an alternate path now, she loved Jacob and from all the experience I had read Jacob's mind ,I knew that he loved her too and will always threw himself in front of her when danger arise upon her. She could live out a happy life with Jacob without my inference, I don't need Alice vision to see that.

Jacob Black is what Bella needs ,she can't lose him ,I can't afford myself to let my sleeping beauty lose her prince charming. Where is her happily-ever-after kiss that could awake her from her nightmare into her fairy tale if anything-anything at all happen to him? No ,I could not let that happen, I would not let Bella lost the hero of her story .I would go to Jacob Black and told him he is what Bella needs and convince him to sit back from the fight for Bella and…….I would join the fight, there is no point in sitting back as Bella doesn't need a monster like me anymore ,she could have Jacob and held his hand and told him she can't live without his personal sun. I would be out there ,fight for her safety ,fight for her happiness, and fight for her fate. There isn't anything I won't give up for Bella. I would protect her until every drip of my blood dried from my veins-as if I could ever bleed ,until the last syllable of the time of my life.

Not far from me ,Seth suddenly growled angrily ,and then I knew that the fight was almost around the corner, our enemies were approaching in a menacing fast pace ,and there wasn't much time to lose. I had to bring Jacob back and shoved myself into the fighting scene .I had to go now, before letting myself disappeared into the crowded trees in the dark forest, I whispered something almost incoherent into the morning light .It reads **Bella, love ,sorry ,I love you…….**

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**okay,its a very short chapter.... this is in Edward's POV but I'm considering to switch it to Bella's POV in later chapters....However,I still very much enjoying writing the story in Edward's POV for the moment...I think he deserves some space for him to express himself as he never had a chance to do so in the original version of Eclipse....I often wondered how much pain he had suffer or what he thinks when he knew Bella had another option......thank you for reading....pls kindly review and tell me your opinion abt this story.....**


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